Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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