He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
