How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
