i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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