ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
