I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
