that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
there's paper in my vomit.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
