I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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