Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The Olympian is in my bed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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