I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
