You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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