ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
