The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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