If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
