I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
