did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
