My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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