well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
