having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
