Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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