I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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