I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
