Someone shit on the floor
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
