Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
