Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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