the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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