Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
