I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
