Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
