I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
