I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is Oprah even human
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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