It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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