Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
