You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
