At least make sure they are 18
Why
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
