I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
