if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
