well I can't set my house on fire every night
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
