I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
