I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
