ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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