I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
