Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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