I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
