I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
