can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
