Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
