Your face is a jimmy john
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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