Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
