i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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